What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 01:10
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Do you believe that Jesus was God on Earth?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He resisted the act ,that day.
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And i lived it daily.
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why is our generation so unhappy?
Especially a lifetime of it.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I said to her
One cannot live in the past .
I will be 64.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I think the readers, may guess!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We were not on the streets..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He knew the spot.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My family never makes their pension either.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But, we were locked up after school.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
All the time i was locked up.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I don,t even have a pension.
I was 9 years of age.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was seconnd youngest,
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She loved him until the end.
I was very sick at this time too.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
When she asked me how she looked .
Why did i forgive my father ?
She was in good health!
I waited trembling.
It was going to be , some day.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She found it foreign!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
So whats the point in blame.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But it wasn’t much.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But ive been too sick for many years..
My life is so biszare .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I never cut or harmed myself..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Was to survive, this bastard.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im still living with it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Who then, do I blame.?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We all went to grammer schools
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
This is soul school!.
I could never make a relationship work though!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Would this be the day?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Ive learnt so much.
So, i spoilt her more .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She married twice! .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She wouldn,t have been !
Comes on , in middle age.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I write beautiful poetry .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Put me off passion for life!!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
What did i know ?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was scared of men, in general
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I have no regrets .